When will you tell him?

We hear that question often. I will admit,I did not really expect that question. I expected many, many questions. Just not that one. I underestimated the lack of knowledge of the general population, concerning adoption - transracial adoption in particular. You may have noticed in my sidebar, there are pictures and a slideshow of pictures of my family. If you haven't seen these - please do so now. I'll wait. Go ahead- it is sooooo worth you time. Oh, you're back. Good. Did you notice anything? Yes, my children and grandchildren are precious (typical mom and grandmom). However, I am talking about my little man. He is beautiful and he is African American or Black as some of my AA friends prefer to be called. We don't give too much thought to his skin color - he is just our little man. We EAT HIM UP! Anyway, people often ask us when we will tell him he is adopted. My first thought is to say -" oh, we don't plan to EVER tell him. We 're keeping it a secret". Or. We thought we would just wait until some cruel little child points it out to him (probably quoting words they heard their parents say) and just see how that works out. The funny part is that many people ask the question in his presence. I realize that he is only 13 months, but it won't be long before he understands such questions. Therefore, the real answer is that adoption is a word we use around our house and in our family fairly often. We happen to think that adoption is a beautiful word. We have our little blessing because his birthmom had an adoption plan. We don't harp on it mind you. Our little man is so much more than "adopted". He is our son, our baby,our child,God's gift to us, just like our bio children. Period. We couldn't hide the fact that little man is adopted if we wanted to. Which we don't. I do wonder how people think we would do that though.Try to keep it under wraps until he's 18 and then just POUNCE it on him. Wait and see if he notices anything unusual about us. Go to the tanning bed a lot so we could get some of his beautiful color goin' on. Yeah, I think we'll just stick to the simple plan. Talk about it.

This is probably one of the mildest questions we get. I'll fill you in with others - another time - another post. ;D

sidenote: It is my hope that I not offend anyone who may read this. Sooo - if you have ever asked this question of me or anyone else - please know that I do realize that everyone has not given as much consideration to adoption and all that goes with it as those of us who have adopted. I hope this post and others like it will help educate those who care to know more.

Edit: Curious Servant just said something in comments that I totally meant to say. Color is something that is learned or at least the distinction of color. My Grandbabies can see the difference between them and little man - in that Gbaby 2yr. calls every african american child he sees by little man's name. However, He does not care about the color difference. He has no learned behavior/preconcieved thoughts of - Race. From what I understand, that comes at about 6 or 7 years old from our society/adults. Thank you Curious Servant for reminding me.

Comments

[no_average_girl]

awww, that's so sweet! i have adopted cousins and think the world of them both! it also speaks of God's love for us - we're "adopted" by Him, chosen by Him! a birthchild you can't choose, but you can choose and adopted child! it's just so precious!

[Heather]

I once did a Bible study where it described us as being adopted by God. (Which is what God says we are) Anyway, it described Roman adoption of the days that the Bible was written. A biological child could be disowned, but an adopted child could never be disinherited or disowned. No matter what that child did, the parents could never give them up. Isn't that a beautiful picture of God's love for us! I think it's awesome that you've adopted "little man" He is adorable, and I know that he is loved beyond imagination!

[flipflop]

ooo I was gonna comment on the same thing Heather said. Tanning bed!! LOL!! Wonder how people would respond if that was your response to them..."Oh we're not going to tell him, we all plan to go the the tanning bed a lot"?

[Sylvie]

People really ask you that! That is so funny. People ask me that question but our son looks like us so it is somewhat understandable. How do they expect you to keep it a secret from him! It's true though, the majority of the population don't know a lot about adoption, it is so absurd to for people to expect you (or any other adoptive parent) to pounce news like that on a person when he/she turns the magic age of 18.
Great Post

[aggiejenn]

Sometimes you just have to laugh at the things people ask. I was teaching high school when I was pregnant and one of my students asked me in the MIDDLE of class if I was going to breastfeed. I mean, WOW!
What a great opportunity you have to teach your son about adoption and how we are all adopted into God's family. He will always know that he is wanted and loved by you guys!

[momrn2]

I can somewhat relate to that pull of to tell or not. I have a brother that was adopted into our family. He was 4 when he came to live with us so he has always remembered his birth mom. But, his home situation was NOT GOOD and I watched my parents struggle with "how much" to tell him and when.

Hang in there and listen for God's prompting! He will tell you what to tell and when.

Another quick story (sorry my comments are so long). My sister and I are 18 months apart. Growing up our very bestest girlfriends were African American. When my mom was expecting our brother (I was about 9 and my sis 7) she asked us if we wanted a girl or a boy. My sister pipes up with, " I don't care... as long as it's black". :-)

I think it's ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS that you have "little man"! You just hold your head high and be oh so proud of him! I for one will stand beside you beaming with joy and pride... for YOU!

Bless you dear friend!!!

[Sheena]

I really like your attitude! I think sometimes people get the notion that because they paid money to adopt a child that they own that child. I wish money wasn't involved in it. It seems to degrade life a little. Anyways, children are really God's anyways and they are a blessing to us, and loving them is what they're there for! Right? Love your blog. I am having trouble getting into mine for some reason! So that is why I can't post your comment, but I did read it! Thanks! :)

[Curious Servant]

We've adopted three children (one died ad three and a half months) and the two we have now are teens.

They are both African American... or is that Haitian-African-Americans?

I remember one of my kids' friends, a boy they had known for several years, riding with us in the back of the car and the subject of adoption came up. He looks at me and my wife, white -no, make that pale, looks at his friends, my children, and says "I didn't know they were adopted!"

Seeing color is something people learn.

[Laura]

way back when we took parenting classes(funny after having 4 kids we needed these classes)so that we could adopt Daniel, the accepted thinking was to be open and honest with your adopted children about the adoption as you might be with children you have given birth to and to do so from the very start.
OTOH, folks have suggested we not tell Daniel because strange enough he looks like us. Still I disagree.At 4 years he is not in a place to ask, know or care that I did not give birth to him still he knows that I am his mommy and love him up to the moon and stars and back again.
I love the SCC song, when love takes you in. To me it explains it all....we both were waiting and dreaming even if we didn't know it.
Having Daniel has shown me that sometimes people ask the silliest questions or make the silliest comments about adoption and special needs.
Oh well. It's what makes this world go round I guess.

[Shannon from Rocks in my Dryer]

Oh, I'm so glad you directed me to those pictures, because they were absolutely precious! What a treat.

I couldn't help but seethe a little when I read a news headline that said, inspired by Angelina Jolie, Jessica Simpson wants to "adopt a baby before having MY OWN." (Emphasis mine). Is it just me, or is that a terribly insensitive thing to say?

[Sheena]

Hi again! Just wanted to let you know that I created a new blog because I can not seem to get into gigglin and screamin! Hope you visit soon! Oh, I put your link on my new blog too! :)

[Kimmy]

Well said. I pray people will listen. A great number of people don't understand adoption or how their questions can be hurtful.

My daddy is black. (He prefers "black". He's not from Africa. But he says he doesn't care what he's called as long as it's not the "n" word or negro!) I grew up with people staring at my white mother and black daddy. The loud whispers. People can be so rude.

I used to say I was color blind. But... then I thought about it. And pretend their was no difference in skin color. True. There is no difference INSIDE. But to deny the beauty God made on the outside. God created us in HIS image.

I agree with you. Adoption is a beautiful word!

[Faith]

Yes, we are adopted into the family of God.

Momrn2- I love your long comments, - keep 'em coming.. and too funny about what your sister said.

Curious Servant - see edit on post

Laura - I love that SSC song too.

Shannon - uh, yeah. very insensitive. Little man is VERY much our own.

Kimmy - Whispers-- not. I can read their lips and their body language. How RUDE! Thanks for sharing!

[Gwen]

Great post! So many of my thoughts and feelings here!

[GiBee]

Can I just say, that I LOVE A RIGHTEOUS, SAVED BY GRACE WOMAN WITH A 'TUDE! 'Specially if she's Southern, honey!

And, I can just eat up your adorable little man... and, how rude can some people be, and... you have touched my heart again and again and again... Thanks for being so open and honest with all of us.

And on to some bad news... but... you brought it on yourself with your remark on Lauren's blog... hehehe... I officially hit you with ... the virus ... and, oh, let's see... how did you put it... "I guess there are some viruses worth getting! Hope it works" -- yeah... let's see if it works!

[Kate]

I don't think I've ever heard it better! If only everyone would think this way - with hearts and minds wide open. You and your family are so overflowingly blessed!

[Curious Servant]

One little story:

One evening at dinner, my son Isaac said:

"I feel sorry for kids who aren't adopted. They didn't get picked. They just got borned."

: )

[eph2810]

Faith - what a powerful post :). I praise God that you had the opportunity to adopt this little man. He is precious. I am glad that his birth mother made to choice for him to be adopted. :)

[tnmama]

Well said! Well said! Having adopted our daughter as well (black too), I get this question a lot too! We are with you! I usually whisper conspiratorially back to them and say "she already knows..."!

It is me who forgets! I recently expressed some concern that she may be having some blood sugar problems. My friend asked if she had diabetes in the family? I said, "My mom!" (like, duh!) My friend looked at me funny and said, "but...she's adopted"! Ha!

[Nancy]

Our son was adopted and is also black. The rest of us are half-Scandinavian (I'm half Danish, DH is half Norwegian, so our biological daughter is 1/4 Danish and 1/4 Norwegian - she says she's just doomed to be as white as white can be). We've never had anyone ask when we're going to tell him. Like you, I don't think there will ever be a question. However, I have scrapbook pages all about the day he came home and I tell him a bedtime story about Queen Mommy and King Daddy and Princess Juliette who wanted a little baby and one day a lady found a baby, little Noah, and the story ends the day the Wise Man (the judge) says that little Noah is part of our family forever and is now Prince Noah. And Noah said "Alleluia!" (which he did right after he was made legally ours). He's three and told me one day that Mommy, Daddy and Juliette have yellow skin and he has chocolate. He calls other black children he sees "chocolate." Some of the other children in the child care at the Y will look at him and me kinda funny, but no one ever says anything. I have had two people say something to me about babysitting him, but I just tell them he's my baby. I guess it's because most people see him with me without Daddy because Daddy's at work.

I took Noah for a walk one day a year or so ago and we passed by a school playground full of mostly black kids and a bunch of girls ran to the fence to watch us and one girl asked, "Is that your little boy?" I thought later I should have said, "Why? Don't you think he looks like me??"

[Lauren]

I don't know why I'm surprised that people would ask you that, especially in front of him, but I am? I love your photos. What a precious gift your little man is!!!

[peach]

I loved this post! Thank you for sharing your life, your little man and yourself with us, Faith. I will be keeping those truths in my heart as we go through the process of our adoption.

[Noelle]

Curious Servant had it right. I work with kids and the majority of them are African-American. I have 4 neices.. Two of them are my brothers (the other two from his current wife but the two of my brothers) have been around my kids for most of their lives. They live in farm country in Michigan and do not see any other race than white. However, they dont' even see race at this point because of the time they have spent with my kids. That's is what this world needs more of - generation after generation of taking down those walls... Thanks for being a starting block!!

[Julie @ Everyday Mommy]

He is ABSOLUTELY scrumptious! How do you keep your hands and kissed off of him? I'd eat him up 20 times each day. My husband and I would desperately love to adopt, but the cost is so prohibitive. It's SO heartbreaking!

[Pullock]

Proper child care is the need of the hour where mostly the mothers are wroking ladies & in todays world children are exposed to various thing which they should not have to.

[parth]

proper child care is very essential for a proper uprgradation of mental power.