Faithful Mommy

Who's the Boss?

A little background for this story (although you should really go through the archives in your free time).Our daughter is 12 years old. She was 11 years old when she came to live with us. She had lived most of her life in foster care. There was major neglect on the part of the original family - hence foster care. Her early years were spent being "mommy" to her two baby brothers. After she went in foster care she was pretty much in charge of herself. She lived in a dorm like atmosphere at her Deaf school through the week, so she was responsible for herself to a large degree.

Okay, now the story.

With her background, she had no real parenting. Ever. There were adults here and there that were "responsible" for her general care, but no type of parenting. When she came home to us, it was culture shock. She was very much in toddler stages in some regards. She had no real structure to her day to day life. There will be little tidbits about all of that forthcoming.

In this story, I will jump to the day when it all came down to brass tax.

I was disciplining JII (age5) verbally. I was saying things like: why did you do that? don't do it again. that's not nice. blah.blah. blah. Well, Six jumps in and starts giving her own version of verbal discipline (remember, she is non-verbal) and some major body language, including, but not limited to a finger in his face. This was not the first time she had done this. I had let it slide previously because, well she was new to the family and I was being a bit easy on her. I did realize this time that it was time to put an end to this particular behavior.

Here is the conversation (in ASL):

me: why are you doing that? what are you doing?

six: he's in trouble.

me: yes, i know. that's why i was disciplining him.

six: he's was bad.

me: yes, i know. that's why i was disciplining him.

me: you don't need to do this. you are not his boss (sounds so juvenile).

here it comes:

six: i'm not his boss?

me: ummmm, no.

six: then who is the boss?

She was serious. she had no.idea. really.

me: that would be me.

six: you're the boss?

me: ummmm, yep.

six: why?

she is very serious.

me: well, because i am the mom. hello!!

six: OHHHHHHHHH!

This was a real event and she was very serious. She was not being a smart mouth - she honestly thought she was in charge. She had no idea about the role of the parent vs. child.

I knew at that point that we had a looooong way to go!!! 

Oh baby!

We bought this house two years ago. TWO YEARS AGO! I have yet to unpack. Really. It's rather pitiful. I have often thought that I should jump right in and open a box or three, but Nah! I have actually peeked into a few boxes and thought "wow, we have one of those?" Or at other times I thought "ewwww, what is that?"

At any rate this is actually very unlike me. I am typically the "let's unpack it all, hang it on the wall, find a place for it" kind of chick. That is where the problem lies. This house is smaller than our previous homes. There is NO PLACE for it. There is NO WALL TALL ENOUGH FOR IT. What am I supposed to do with it all?

I know what you're thinking - reduce.reuse.recycle. Sounds good. Except! I have a gazillion 30x40 portraits of my children that a) no one else wants and b) I don't want to do away with. Dilemma! That's what I have. That's the reason I've been dancing around the idea of unpacking for TWO WHOLE YEARS.

Then, bless her heart, my best friend found herself in the family way. How does this help me? I hosted a baby shower for her!! Yep, a call to action. My hubby even jumped on the bandwagon. We went to the basement and went shopping in the luxury of our own home. We opened (not emptied - ha!) many a box and wondered at the great taste we have had in decorating. We could open our own store on ebay and sell our junk treasures and have "product" for years to come.

Anyway, we hung stuff, we moved stuff, we painted stuff, and cleaned a whole lot of stuff. Our new found enthusiasm even trickled to the great outdoors. We planted stuff, we trimmed stuff (okay, so the yard man did that part, but we told him what to trim), we even swept the porch. We went all out.

We actually started moving in. After two years.

I need to take this opportunity to thank my friend for going the extra mile to push me to unpack my sheets and a picture or two.There is a bonus in it for her though - when baby NEY-NEY comes to visit she won't have to look at n*ked walls.

 

OH.NO.YOU.DIDN'T!!!

People never cease to amaze me. At times it is the beautiful, sweet, miraculous things that people say or do. Unfortunately, there are other times that it is the pure stupidity, ignorance and blatant nerve that other idiots people let hang out like dirty laundry that make me want to SHOUT!

Check this out.

Here we (hubby, JII, Gboy, and Ebbers) are walking into a restaurant ready to really have a little fun. It is a Japanese restaurant which we call "cook in front of you." We had been there recently with our oldest daughter and her crew. But, I DIGRESS!! As soon as we are sitting down I see two women across the way. They are staring and obviously talking about our little family. Since this not an unusual happening, I am prepared to ignore it and move on. The women were not. They continued to stare ( one woman had to turn around completely to see us) and talk.

What intrigued them so? Two white adults with two tow headed little boys and one black boy? JII's hair? He has a little fro. Most black boys in our neck of the woods have their heads shaved very close. Whatever the reason, the lady (I use the term loosely) with her back to us RAISES HER PHONE CAMERA TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY CHILD/FAMILY!! Oh.yes.she.did.!!

It was like seeing a movie where something is happening in slow motion. I see her -finally - turn her back to us, lift her phone/camera and move it over to focus on us/JII. Of course, she can't really see what  she is getting in her shot -yet!!

My inner mama bear came out and I reached -across my oblivious husbands' face , grabbed JII's little hand and started frantically waving it in front of his face!! I smiled big and said very loudly " smile baby that lady is taking your picture." 

My goals were

1. Cover his face from her camera   

2. call her out on her unbelievable rudeness.

You just do not take a photo of a strangers' child! Never. Ever.

Her reaction? You ask.

Well, when she brought her camera back in front of her to see her handiwork, she was shocked and obviously embarrassed. The two ladies suddenly started pretending they were taking pics of each other. Seriously, get yourself a life.

I had already decided that if she tried to do it again, I would call the police. I mean, you cannot take a picture of a child like that. Not my child or grandchildren!! You do not even want to mess with me.

Maybe it's hormones. Who knows. I have never reacted that way to the many looks we get, stupid questions we get asked or comments made to us. But, a picture??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Hair again!

So, here we were with this big decision. What do we do with her hair or lack thereof?  Remember, Six was 11 years old at this time.
Well, we asked anyone and everyone for advice. It was the general consensus that we should not leave her with a "no hair head." So what did we do - we actually let them glue fake hair to her scalp!!!! I know, bad decision. We were truly at a loss though. It was a no win situation. We had not had time to build any trust or really any real relationship. It took about a week for me to realize that I could not deal with this type of hair do.I made the final decision to take the fake hair off and start all over.from.scratch. with her hair. Poor baby had only enough hair to cover her scalp. She handle it very well - while we were at the salon!!! As soon as we got home she ran for her room and the first hat she could find. I was devastated. I thought I had probably damaged her for life. I was NOT winning mother of the year , yet again!!!Praise the Lord, she wore the hat for approx. 2 hours and then gradually -like a turtle coming out of the shell, she took it off. That was that!! She embraced the new her.That girl has adaptation skills like no other person I have ever seen.

By the time school started she was totally comfortable and no at all self concerned. I have since done MAJOR research on natural hair. I learned so much from places like http://www.happygirlhair.com/ and http://www.keepmecurly.com/.

Due to many sleepless nights scouring the internet, I am happy to report that Little Six now has a very healthy scalp and hair. Even more amazing is that I have some skilz I never thought I would have. I can "do" her hair myself. It takes anywhere from four to six hours...ummmmhmmmm!! But, she looks great!!

Seriously, what else matters to a twelve year old girl??

What Hair?

Our hair dilemma saga journey started long before we ever met Little Six. It probably started on the day she was born. Her original family was neglectful, to say the least. I think we can safely assume that there was zero hair care happening. That would be a bad thing for anyone. Sadly it didn't change once she was in state custody. I think maybe there was an attempt - on occasion, to "do something" with her hair. It apparently was never the right something.

Remember (or go back in the archives) she lived at the Deaf school for several years. At that point she was pretty much in charge of her own self. Okay, reality check - she was always in charge of her own self!! Anyway, there was no mom, grandmom, aunt, older sister, whatever to teach her how to tend her hair. Her hair is VERY course, thick, dense etc. There is no way she could have done anything with it herself as a small child (nor can she now.)

Someone got the bright idea to GLUE extensions to her scalp. GLUED.IT.TO.HER.HEAD. MMMMHHHMM! Normally these would be braided in -except that by this time she had lost most of her hair to neglect. There was no hair to braid it to. So hence THE GLUE!! The extensions were also waaaaaay to long. They pulled on her scalp and what little hair she did have.

By the time we met Six, these extensions had been in there for some time. They were barely hanging onto her head and her poor scalp itched like crazy.

What to do?

It seems like an easy answer -take them out/off. Weeeellllll, not so fast. She HATED her "no hair head"! Naturally. The school teacher told us that she was extremely sensitive and very embarrassed about the hair when the loooooooong extensions were not in. So, here we are - her new family. Are we going to just rip those things off and start off on the wrong foot. NO! I wanted to do that. However, I knew we need to bond a little and gain some trust first.

I thought I would lose my mind watching her continuous clawing scratching. Then Divine providence, they started just coming out one by one - on their own.

Yeeehaw - except now what?

I will tell ya next time!!

Deaf musician

When I watch this, i forget it is a hair commercial!!

Bad hair??

When we first heard that term, I had no idea what it meant. I was sort of offended that the lady said it. Who says that about a child?

I have learned a few things since then. Little six has very coarse, very dense, very tight hair. It has major "shrinkage". Her hair type is sometimes called "bad hair" or "nappy hair". I don't call it either. It's just her hair. We try to always have a "protective" hairstyle in. We "co-wash". We use "natural" oils. We "moisturize" everyday. We have her sleep with her hair "tied down". She sleeps on a "satin pillowcase". We usually do the "front" half one way and the "back" half a different way. Sometimes we do "cornrows". Other times we do "flat twists". Most of the time we do "two strand twists" on the "back" half. It takes approximately 4-6 hours to "do" the "back" half. It takes a little less time to do the "front" half. We try to use "all natural" products. Occasionally, we don't! We don't use heat - although I did try it two times. I regretted it both times. She can sit for the entire "hair time" without so much as a whine. I, however have been known to whine during her "hair time". My hands are far more capable than I ever gave them credit for (mostly I have taken my hands for granted all these years.) 

I will tell a bit more about this journey and how it has evolved over the next few posts. For those of you who want to know, I will share some products we have/are using etc. 

It is a journey in and of itself - her hair. I learn something new every time I "do" it. We are (little six and I) learning together.