Faithful Mommy

His Sister's Keeper - Part three

Hope found

 

The boys were getting settled in their new home and it was time for a visit. Time for each of them to see how the other had grown and changed. It had been a year since they had seen one another. A whole year.

 The two families agreed to allow the visit to take place at the new home of the boys since the girl had never seen where they lived (the boys had made a few visits to her home the year before). She was very visual and needed to be able to place them (in her mind's eye) in the new environment.

 She needed to see where they lived, where they slept, where they played. She needed to meet their new mom, experience their new family. She, being the oldest, still saw herself as the caregiver.

The whole visit was a surprise to all three children. There would have been no containing the excitement had that bit of news leaked.

She was surprised at how the boys had grown. They commented on her new hair style. They wanted to see her cochlear implant and try to get her to hear them (there had to be some explanation on that subject). They talked loud and turned the TV up LOUDER thinking it would help. There will be more explaining in the future!

She looked around their new home (she, being very visual). She looked at pictures and checked out their toys and their movie collection (very important to her).

 After time well spent and a meal shared, it was time to leave.

 He could not bring himself to say good-bye. He busied himself with fixing a toy. He never liked good-byes.

He finally - with much encouragement, signed "I love you” to her.  Then, she signed it to both of them.

 It was heart-wrenching and heartwarming all at the same time.

 Promises were made for future visits. Promises that will be kept.

 Three children, broken and bruised in this life, can now really be children for the first time ever.

 

Three children found hope.

 

Three children have a future.

 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

His Sister's Keeper - part two

The Hope

He did his best to care for her.

 Likewise, she did her best to care for him.

They were together for a while. Then, it was decided that he should go live at the boys' home. He needed more of a male influence. He needed more than the elderly foster mom could provide.

 They were separated for a second time.

 Soon, she was sent to live at the Deaf school. The social workers made every effort for visitation between all three of the children. As time went on, they saw one another approximately once every month or so.

 The baby grew and so did the other two. They lived separately, but knew they were siblings. The social workers decided that the girl should be adopted separately from the boys due to her special needs.

 In time (five years), the girl was adopted. He met her new parents and "approved" of her placement. He was happy for his sister and knew she needed a home. He knew she needed something different than they ( the boys) did.

 It was about this time that he had had enough of his situation and struck out on his own…

 …to find his sister, to be with her.

 He wanted what she had, a forever family. He longed for a family of his own.

 Of course, he could not just leave like that. He couldn’t just walk away from the home. So they took him back.

 And he waited.

 He was hoping for a family that lived closer to his sister. He just needed to be closer. He was hoping for a family that would agree to visits with her new family. He was hoping for love, stability, family, a true home.

 He wanted to be able to make sure she was okay. He wanted to continue to take care of her - even from a distance.

 A little over a year after she went to live with her new family, he (and the younger brother) met the woman that was to become their mom. They would indeed be living much closer to their sister. They would gain another brother. They would have a home.

 Another new family was created.

 Part three of this story will post on Wed. Oct. 20 2010

His Sister's Keeper

He walked right out.

 

No one even noticed for awhile. It was a boy’s home after all. A lot of activity, a lot of testosterone. When they noticed that he was gone, they sent out a search party. Where had he gone? Why? How long had he been gone? Where would he go?

 

 They didn't have to search for long. He was walking along the side of the highway. They pulled up next to him and told him to get in the car. When they asked him where he was going, he said “to Atlanta to see my sister."

 

Heartbreaking.

 

There were three children, one of them an infant. The other two were practically babies themselves. They were separated upon intake at the Department of Family and Children's Services. They would never all live together again.

 

The baby went to one foster home, the other two were sent to a foster home together. They were scared. They were confused. I am sure they longed for the mom. Children want and love their mom even if she seemingly does not deserve this love and devotion.

 

The little girl was the oldest by two years. Although she was a young child herself, she had been acting as caregiver to the others. She had no idea what was happening. She was terrified. She was Deaf. No one could tell her what was going on. No one could communicate with her.

 

 She was a little girl lost.

 

In her terror and loss, she could not sleep alone. It was a strange place, strange people, strange everything. Where was the baby? Why were they here? Where was her mom? She wanted, no needed to sleep with her brother.

 

It was against foster care rules.

 

Special permission had to be obtained and of course that is never immediate.

 

In time the request was granted and she could sleep in the same bed with her little brother. The “caregiver" needed to be cared for.

 

She was finally able to find slumber if not complete rest.

 

It was during this time that the roles reversed. The little girl never really knew that. Even now, she doesn't know that. The little brother became the "big boy," the "man" of this little family of children.

 

He understood, even at this young age (preschool) that he needed to protect his sister. She was different. She could not hear. She could not speak. Therefore, she could not understand. At this point she had NO language at all. He became her self appointed keeper.

 

Part two of this story will post on Monday, October 18, 2010

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sisterlocks - The pictures!

Isn't she beautiful!!!! We are loving the sisterlocks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is so confident with her new hairstyle. We are having fun styling it in new ways everyday. The options are endless.

Mostly, the ease with which we do anything with her hair is so liberating!!

 

 

 

 

 

Hair Freedom

When Kobi first came to us she had loooong extensions glued to her scalp. Why glued you ask? Her hair and scalp were so damaged that there was almost no real hair. Ususally, the extensions would be braided in, but there was nothing to braid it to. This was partially due to the extensions themselves. They were long and heavy. Sadly, she had no one that cared enough to do anything for her in a proper way.  

She lived at the Deaf school during the week and had no hair care routine at all. When she went to the foster home on the weekends (7-8 hr. Bus ride there and then back) she was there such a short time that no one bothered to fix it.  

I knew the braids needed to come out immediately , however I had been told that she was extremely sensitive about her hair. So, what can you do. We waited. It almost killed me to leave them. Her scalp itched and she scratched it constantly. I' m not sure who was more miserable - Kobi or me.   Trust had to be established though. I had to give it time. Give her time. Here she is with her new family ( white at that) and everything is changing for her. Her hair would need to wait.  

She came in May, so my goal was to have it look better before school started. What to do though? That was the question. It was a question that I asked of every black person ( or African American, whichever you prefer) I knew or just saw at the store. I went to every black hair care salon in the metro Atlanta area. For every person I asked I got a different answer. Big shock.  

With school about to start it was time for the big decision. We simply took the braids out ( what were left anyway) and had her hair trimmed to be even all over. When it was all said and done she had almost no hair. Maybe a half inch long. Yep, she looked like a boy. Yep, it was traumatic -  for a few hours.  

Bless her heart she just sucked it up and moved on in record time. I know this was record time because one time many years ago I colored my own hair and it turned out ORANGE I am still not over the trauma of that little hair debacle.  

But I digress.  

She held her head high and looked very African princess-y doing it. People often called her " little buddy" or " son" or "fellow" or "young man". It was times like that that I was thankful she was Deaf.  

Her hair is now about six or so inches when stretched out and her scalp is in perfect condition. I have invested in a mountain of products over the last year and a half. Some have worked great, some not at all. Some were cheap, most were expensive.     I learned how to do Cornrows and flat twists. I perfected two strand twists and learned about hair type. I have come to appreciate all African American ( or Black, whichever you prefer) women. Hair care is a very time consuming and difficult task in the AA community.

However, it is also a time of bonding for mother and child.   I am thankful for this year and a half of bonding time with Kobi. It was perhaps not the traditional experience since we could not talk during the hair time. My hands were busy, so no signing for me. We did indeed bond though. It was time we spent together for the greater good - her crowning glory.    

Jump ahead to today, 18 months later. We are having "sisterlocks " put in ( this is done with her hair, no extensions). What is that you may ask ? These are tiny little locks that will stay forever ( or until she is grown and chooses otherwise). We can style these, leave them free, curl them, whatever. The best thing is - no more combing. No more five and six hour "hair days" for the two of us every two to three weeks.  

This was a big decision and not one we came to lightly. I researched for a full year and then had to find a certified "sisterlocks" technician. We are here today getting them finished. It will be a total of approximately 18 hours of sitting for Kobi.    

She is proud of her hair now. She wants it to grow longer , which it will do better in the locks. She is proud that this is her own hair and not extensions. It has been a process and she has had to learn to appreciate the hair God gave her. She has had to understand that it will never look like mine and that that is good. God created us all for different purposes. We look different, have different hair, skin etc. We have the same heart though.   Here we are embarking on a new path for her hair. A new, albeit easier hair routine. This will open up some time for a different type of bonding.

Shopping maybe???

That small still voice

I am a southern girl. I like to talk. I started talking early and haven't been quiet since. My own daddy was forever offering me monetary gain to  "just be quiet for five minutes."

Unfortunately, for him, money was of no consequence to me. I never collected any funds and he never got the peace and quiet that he so desired.

I have since learned to listen. I am still a work in progress. I know the One to whom I should be listening. It is my hearts desire to be an attentive listener to the One that lives in my heart. I confess it is not always easy and there are days that I rush things and think up my own answers. Not advisable.

I have been trying to start writing on this blog again. My husband and I have prayed about it. What would God have me do?  I have posts that come to mind (witty and wonderful of course) and The Lord says wait. Okay.

So we prayed some more. For a while now The Lord has been telling me what to do. Write with purpose. Huh?  Explain please. Write with purpose. He tells me repeatedly. Write with purpose. Write with purpose. If you don't think God talks to His children, you probably just need to listen more. I did. I do. I will.

I will write this blog with purpose. I am listening to my Heavenly Father in a way that I never did to my earthly one (sorry daddy). I will write this blog to glorify my King. I will continue to write about my family, my children, adoption, special needs, Deafness, cochlear implants, Trans racial adoption, foster care and more. This time, however, it will be with purpose. It will be to honor my Savior.

I am listening.  

What's a Bieber?

I suspect that my daughter is the only 12 year old girl on the planet that does not have a clue who Justin Bieber is.

She was reading the Sunday newspaper late that afternoon and came across an article with a title resembling "WOW, Bieber tickets sold out!"

She came to me and SIGNED "What's a Bieber?" I could only giggle to myself for a minute. Bless her heart, she has no idea who he is. I told her that Bieber is not a "what, but a who." She looked at me rather quizzically. I explained further that his last name is Bieber and his first name is Justin. I explained that he is famous for his singing and that all the girls her age think he is sooooo cute. She said (verbally) "OH!"

I then tried to explain that he is famous in the same way Hannah Montana was famous (except of course he is real). She then very quickly informed me that she wanted to go to the concert. I really laughed this time!! I broke her innocent little heart when I explained that there were no tickets left.

I am pretty sure she thinks I made that up!!!

Oh well! Bless her heart!!

Who's the Boss?

A little background for this story (although you should really go through the archives in your free time).Our daughter is 12 years old. She was 11 years old when she came to live with us. She had lived most of her life in foster care. There was major neglect on the part of the original family - hence foster care. Her early years were spent being "mommy" to her two baby brothers. After she went in foster care she was pretty much in charge of herself. She lived in a dorm like atmosphere at her Deaf school through the week, so she was responsible for herself to a large degree.

Okay, now the story.

With her background, she had no real parenting. Ever. There were adults here and there that were "responsible" for her general care, but no type of parenting. When she came home to us, it was culture shock. She was very much in toddler stages in some regards. She had no real structure to her day to day life. There will be little tidbits about all of that forthcoming.

In this story, I will jump to the day when it all came down to brass tax.

I was disciplining JII (age5) verbally. I was saying things like: why did you do that? don't do it again. that's not nice. blah.blah. blah. Well, Six jumps in and starts giving her own version of verbal discipline (remember, she is non-verbal) and some major body language, including, but not limited to a finger in his face. This was not the first time she had done this. I had let it slide previously because, well she was new to the family and I was being a bit easy on her. I did realize this time that it was time to put an end to this particular behavior.

Here is the conversation (in ASL):

me: why are you doing that? what are you doing?

six: he's in trouble.

me: yes, i know. that's why i was disciplining him.

six: he's was bad.

me: yes, i know. that's why i was disciplining him.

me: you don't need to do this. you are not his boss (sounds so juvenile).

here it comes:

six: i'm not his boss?

me: ummmm, no.

six: then who is the boss?

She was serious. she had no.idea. really.

me: that would be me.

six: you're the boss?

me: ummmm, yep.

six: why?

she is very serious.

me: well, because i am the mom. hello!!

six: OHHHHHHHHH!

This was a real event and she was very serious. She was not being a smart mouth - she honestly thought she was in charge. She had no idea about the role of the parent vs. child.

I knew at that point that we had a looooong way to go!!! 

OH.NO.YOU.DIDN'T!!!

People never cease to amaze me. At times it is the beautiful, sweet, miraculous things that people say or do. Unfortunately, there are other times that it is the pure stupidity, ignorance and blatant nerve that other idiots people let hang out like dirty laundry that make me want to SHOUT!

Check this out.

Here we (hubby, JII, Gboy, and Ebbers) are walking into a restaurant ready to really have a little fun. It is a Japanese restaurant which we call "cook in front of you." We had been there recently with our oldest daughter and her crew. But, I DIGRESS!! As soon as we are sitting down I see two women across the way. They are staring and obviously talking about our little family. Since this not an unusual happening, I am prepared to ignore it and move on. The women were not. They continued to stare ( one woman had to turn around completely to see us) and talk.

What intrigued them so? Two white adults with two tow headed little boys and one black boy? JII's hair? He has a little fro. Most black boys in our neck of the woods have their heads shaved very close. Whatever the reason, the lady (I use the term loosely) with her back to us RAISES HER PHONE CAMERA TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY CHILD/FAMILY!! Oh.yes.she.did.!!

It was like seeing a movie where something is happening in slow motion. I see her -finally - turn her back to us, lift her phone/camera and move it over to focus on us/JII. Of course, she can't really see what  she is getting in her shot -yet!!

My inner mama bear came out and I reached -across my oblivious husbands' face , grabbed JII's little hand and started frantically waving it in front of his face!! I smiled big and said very loudly " smile baby that lady is taking your picture." 

My goals were

1. Cover his face from her camera   

2. call her out on her unbelievable rudeness.

You just do not take a photo of a strangers' child! Never. Ever.

Her reaction? You ask.

Well, when she brought her camera back in front of her to see her handiwork, she was shocked and obviously embarrassed. The two ladies suddenly started pretending they were taking pics of each other. Seriously, get yourself a life.

I had already decided that if she tried to do it again, I would call the police. I mean, you cannot take a picture of a child like that. Not my child or grandchildren!! You do not even want to mess with me.

Maybe it's hormones. Who knows. I have never reacted that way to the many looks we get, stupid questions we get asked or comments made to us. But, a picture??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Hair again!

So, here we were with this big decision. What do we do with her hair or lack thereof?  Remember, Six was 11 years old at this time.
Well, we asked anyone and everyone for advice. It was the general consensus that we should not leave her with a "no hair head." So what did we do - we actually let them glue fake hair to her scalp!!!! I know, bad decision. We were truly at a loss though. It was a no win situation. We had not had time to build any trust or really any real relationship. It took about a week for me to realize that I could not deal with this type of hair do.I made the final decision to take the fake hair off and start all over.from.scratch. with her hair. Poor baby had only enough hair to cover her scalp. She handle it very well - while we were at the salon!!! As soon as we got home she ran for her room and the first hat she could find. I was devastated. I thought I had probably damaged her for life. I was NOT winning mother of the year , yet again!!!Praise the Lord, she wore the hat for approx. 2 hours and then gradually -like a turtle coming out of the shell, she took it off. That was that!! She embraced the new her.That girl has adaptation skills like no other person I have ever seen.

By the time school started she was totally comfortable and no at all self concerned. I have since done MAJOR research on natural hair. I learned so much from places like http://www.happygirlhair.com/ and http://www.keepmecurly.com/.

Due to many sleepless nights scouring the internet, I am happy to report that Little Six now has a very healthy scalp and hair. Even more amazing is that I have some skilz I never thought I would have. I can "do" her hair myself. It takes anywhere from four to six hours...ummmmhmmmm!! But, she looks great!!

Seriously, what else matters to a twelve year old girl??